You thought there is no hope to get out of it. The struggle to choose one way, which seems as bad as all the others, defeat you after you reached an important step of your life. Holding the lightly sheet of paper which decleares your capabilities you recognize that reality is not the few words written there.
No way to escape, no path to fortune – there was only the stony road to nowhere without a visible end. You went there but the heavy footfalls – step by step – spinning around. The only choice, you have found, to break the closed loop was to jump in the eternal gap.
My heart cries.
I remember your last words, they keep me awake – I cannot stop to hear your despair comments about how to proceed in life. The only I think I answered was that I did not have to possibility to vote for or against life at the time I wished I could choose. But now?
I shared your love to the french way of life – or better – the imagination of a coloured sensuous and free life of people how learned to know how one has to fete each day for an instant moment to overcome all problems which destroys our thinkings. But we only fought for our future and with every year we loosed our confide to a acceptable destiny. We refuse to go the way the society offered us – you rejected more than I.
After years I stay here and I know that I have nothing in my hands – I am a plaything in the waves somewhere in the deep ocean. What will happen next? There is no road to go – everywhere – in the north or south, west or east – the battle against the wash of the waves is all around me. I am spiritless.
With every move I make I have the feeling I will fall deeper in the puncture before my feets. When will I reach the point of no return? Is there always a rope to secure myself? Maybe there is in the majority of cases one more grasp to fetch – but what if the way out seemed to be endless without a short rest. Sometimes I flow uniformly within my speed of life – completely reflecting in myself. This transcendental mediation takes me out of reality and in an awareness of my own abilities. I do not know where I will be tomorrow, I follow only the movements - somehow really aimless and conceptless I proceed the things I started, waiting for the next eventualities to choose and hoping for a second grasp on the rock.